Yes/No/Maybe List for Couples
A warm, approachable version of the yes/no/maybe list designed for couples who want to talk about intimacy without the awkwardness. This guide gives you concrete conversation starters, a curated 25-activity starter list, and a simple 5-step process. No BDSM experience required — just curiosity and care. For the full 71-activity list and detailed explanations, see our complete guide.
How to Bring It Up With Your Partner
Timing matters. Don't bring this up during or right after intimacy. Choose a relaxed, neutral moment — over coffee, on a walk, or cooking dinner together.
Conversation Starters
“I found this tool that therapists recommend for couples. It's a list where we each mark what sounds fun, what doesn't, and what we might be open to. No pressure — I just thought it could be a way to learn more about each other.”
“You know how sometimes it's hard to talk about what we want? I found something that makes it easier — like a menu where we both pick what sounds good. Want to check it out?”
“I care about making sure we're both happy. Would you be open to filling out a yes/no/maybe list with me? It's a way to share preferences without feeling judged.”
If They're Hesitant
- “Totally understand if this feels weird. No pressure. Just thought it might be fun.”
- “We don't have to do it now — maybe think about it for a few days?”
- “If the list format doesn't work, we could just have a conversation instead.”
Frame it as play, not pressure. “Let's pour some wine and see if we can surprise each other” works better than a serious sit-down.
25 Starter Activities for Couples
A gentler subset of the full 71-item list, curated for couples at any experience level. Mark each as Yes, No, or Maybe.
1Touch & Sensation
2Communication
3Power Play (Lite)
4Fantasy & Role Play
5Aftercare
Want more? The complete guide includes all 71 activities with safety notes across 8 categories.
How to Do It (5 Quick Steps)
Pick a relaxed evening
When you're both in a good mood, not stressed or tired. Light a candle. Pour some wine or tea.
Use our tool or print the PDF
Try the interactive checklist (auto-compares results) or the printable PDF if you prefer paper.
Fill it out separately
Go to separate rooms. Be honest without worrying about your partner's reaction. Take your time.
Compare over wine or tea
Start with overlaps — celebrate them! Talk about surprises. Stay curious, not judgmental.
Revisit in a few months
Comfort levels shift. New experiences bring new perspectives. Treat it as a living document.
Remember: This isn't a contract. Either person can change their mind at any time. Consent is ongoing, not a one-time checkbox.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this only for couples interested in BDSM?
Not at all. While the yes/no/maybe list originated in kink communities, it's now widely used by therapists for all couples. This guide includes vanilla activities like massage, eye contact, and verbal affirmations alongside gentler explorations. It works for anyone who wants to communicate better about intimacy.
What if my partner doesn't want to participate?
Respect their hesitation without pressure. Ask what specifically makes them uncomfortable — sometimes it's the format, not the concept. You could offer to fill out your own list first and share it as a way to open up. If they remain uninterested, that's important information too. A couples counselor can help facilitate these conversations in a supported environment.
What if we have very different results?
Different results are normal and healthy. The goal isn't matching perfectly — it's understanding each other better. Focus on celebrating overlaps first, then approach differences with curiosity rather than disappointment. A “no” from your partner is valuable information, not rejection. For detailed guidance on navigating disagreements, see our complete guide.
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